How to speak EP

This article is part of the Brussels Survival Guide.
Welcome to the European Parliament. If you’re a newcomer, there are lots of things to know and jargon to get used to. Even if you’ve been here for years, there are still lots of things to know and jargon to get used to. Here’s a list of EU terms you might find useful.
AFCO. Constitutional Affairs Committee. Sounds like a cheap supermarket.
AFET. Foreign Affairs Committee. Has two subcommittees: DROI (human rights) and SEDE (security and defense).
AGRI. Agriculture and Rural Development Committee. At least the name is obvious.
ALDE. Alliance of Liberals and Democrats for Europe. Sounds like a cheap supermarket. A pan-European group of liberal-minded folk. Confusingly, this also used to be the name of the liberal group in the Parliament — but that was switched to Renew Europe because Emmanuel Macron got involved.
Assistants. Accredited assistants are your helpers in Brussels, Luxembourg or Strasbourg and are employed directly by the Parliament. Local assistants are your helpers in your own country but must work on Parliament business. You could also ignore this and employ your friend’s kids/wife’s tennis partner.
Bars, Strasbourg. Flower, Swan, Press. Places to schmooze, booze and scheme with colleagues.
BUDG. Budgets Committee (not to be confused with CONT).
Bureau, the. The senior team — president, vice presidents and quaestors (see below). Unlikely to exchange foreign currency for you.
CA. Compromise amendment, aka a fudge.
CAP. Common Agricultural Policy. The thing everyone is always promising to reform. Farmers (see below) love it, which is why they flood the EU Quarter with liquid manure every few weeks.
CFP. Common Fisheries Policy. A vast corpus of rules on throwing undersized herrings back.
Chiocchetti, Alessandro. The Parliament’s secretary-general, a powerful post overseeing the institution’s expansive bureaucracy. A controversial appointment as he used to be chief of staff to the president of the Parliament (see Metsola, Roberta).
China. Listening right now (probably). May want to pay you a bunch of money to promote it.
Codecision. Exactly what it looks like, when the Parliament is on an equal footing with the Council in making decisions. But in classic Brussels fashion, it’s more complicated than that. There’s ordinary legislative procedure — when the Parliament is on an equal footing with the Council in the legislative process — and special legislative procedure, when the Parliament merely has a consultative role.
Conference of Presidents. The president of the Parliament plus the leaders of the political groups. When they get out the good treats.
Comitology. A bit like meteorology. The process by which EU law is modified or adjusted.
CONT. Budgetary Control Committee (not to be confused with BUDG).
Coreper I. Meetings of deputy ambassadors to the EU.
Coreper II. Meetings of ambassadors to the EU.
Coreper III. Weak third part of the Coreper franchise, starring Jason Statham.
Council of the European Union. Formerly known as the Council of Ministers. Gatherings of national ministers. Not to be confused with the European Council or the Council of Europe. Often confused with exactly those things.
Council of Europe. International (not EU) human rights organization. Not to be confused with the European Council or the Council of the European Union. Seriously, they couldn’t think of a different name?!
CULT. Culture and Education Committee (not an actual cult, as far as we know).
Delegations. Groups of MEPs dealing with relations with far-flung places. Membership involves travel. Places with sunshine/beaches are unsurprisingly more popular than places with warlords.
DEVE. Development Committee. Also, Albanian for “camel.”
Directorates general. Parliament departments with specific areas of responsibility. There are 13 of them, including DG TRAD (responsible for traditional folk music), DG FINS (responsible for Finnish people), and DG SAFE (responsible for looking after your passport and other valuables).
Disneyland Paris. The train taking MEPs to Strasbourg once took a wrong turn and ended up here. It was, by far, the most exciting thing ever to have happened to MEPs.
ECON. Economic and Monetary Affairs Committee.
ECR. European Conservatives and Reformists. A political group founded by ex-British Prime Minister David Cameron and now home to the likes of Giorgia Meloni’s Brothers of Italy, Poland’s Law and Justice, and Spain’s Vox.
Election. Takes place every five years (there was one in June, in case you missed it). A reminder that a lot of Europeans are really not that bothered about who their MEPs are.
EMPL. Employment and Social Affairs Committee.
ENVI. Environment, Public Health and Food Safety Committee. No one is envious of it.
EPP. European People’s Party (conservatives). They have long been the big dog in this yard.
EU Quarter. Where you work. Is there anything to do after a late night at the office? No, there is not — unless it’s a Thursday (see Luxembourg, Place du). Fun fact: In 2023, the Brussels Regional Government launched a new brand identity for the European Quarter, rebranding it as … the EU Quarter! They spent €30,000 on this. Welcome to Brussels.
European Commission. The EU executive, which proposes legislation, implements decisions and manages the day-to-day business of the EU. The civil service, basically.
European Council. Meetings of EU heads of state or government. Usually held in Brussels. Always go on far too late. Not to be confused with the Council of the European Union or the Council of Europe. Often confused with exactly those things.
Eurocrat. You and everyone you know.
Euroskeptic. An increasingly large number of MEPs who don’t care much for the EU. Not to be confused with Euroseptics, who have cut themselves on a rusty old coin.
Farmers. If Place du Luxembourg is on fire/smells of shit, the farmers are in town (or something has gone horribly wrong in the cafeteria/with the plumbing). Will the police be arresting them? No, they will not.
FEMM. Women’s Rights and Gender Equality Committee.
FISC. Subcommittee on Tax Matters. Zzzzzz.
Four-column document. Sets out the positions of the three main EU institutions on legislation before discussions begin. Often so long it breaks printers.
Friday. Day off (also Saturday, Sunday and Thursday afternoon).
Green weeks. Nothing to do with climate change or the annual Brussels conference. It’s weeks when MEPs are “working” back in their constituencies.
Greens/EFA. Greens-European Free Alliance (that’s the Greens, plus leftist political parties across Europe with a focus on self-determination and human rights).
Groupings. MEPs sit in political groups in the Parliament that are organized by political affiliation rather than nationality. The bigger the group, the more power and cash it gets. But there are also umbrella EU-level parties that can be connected to these parliamentary groups. To make matters more confusing, some groups and parties (looking at you, EPP) have the same name. Manfred Weber (see below) is chairman of the EPP party and the EPP group. Run away!
Hearings (for commissioner candidates). When the Parliament gets to flex its muscles and reject one or two of the prospective members of the top Commission team.
Hemicycle. Easier to pedal than a unicycle. Also a big room where MEPs vote. (German MEPs call it the “hemisphere.”)
IMCO. Internal Market and Consumer Protection Committee. Locked in a long-running, no-holds-barred nomenclature battle with the Investment Management Corporation of Ontario.
INTA. International Trade Committee. Not as good at football as the Milan trade committee.
ITRE. Industry, Research and Energy Committee.
ID. Identity and Democracy — the name is 50 percent accurate. Far-right group whose members include France’s National Rally, Italy’s League, and the Flemish separatist Vlaams Belang. Used to be home to the Alternative for Germany, but they proved a little too unpalatable.
Intergroups. Gatherings of MEPs that are not official but are recognized by the Parliament. The supermarket own-brand version of committees.
Interpretive dance. In 2022, a group of dancers performed in the Strasbourg hemicycle to mark the end of four days of events as part of the Conference on the Future of Europe (a look at the future of the EU that largely passed everyone by). It was, by some distance, the second-most exciting thing ever to have happened to MEPs after the Disneyland trip.
Jargon. Dear lord, there’s a lot of it. Hence this glossary.
JURI. Legal Affairs Committee (not an actual jury).
Kehl. German town just over the border from Strasbourg where gambling is legal and cigarettes are cheap. Pros: Seedy bars, drab architecture and roadside sex workers. Cons: Seedy bars, drab architecture and roadside sex workers.
Kork. A few kilometers away from Kehl. Many German MEPs stay here during plenary sessions. Not to be confused with Cork, Ireland, which would be a heck of a commute.
Languages (official). There are 24 of them. Luxembourgish is not one. (Take that, Jean-Claude Juncker!)
LIBE. Civil Liberties, Justice and Home Affairs Committee.
Lobbyists. Everyone who wants to have coffee with you.
Luxembourg. Home to much of the Parliament’s administration. Nice to visit (for an hour).
Luxembourg, Place du. Square in front of the Parliament building in Brussels. Best place in the world/worst place in the world depending on your age/availability for sex/tolerance for Eurocrats.
Maison Antoine. Friterie (or fritkot or frituur) on Place Jourdan once frequented by Angela Merkel. Sells something called “cheese crack,” which we haven’t eaten but could be the answer the question: How do you make crack more addictive? Cover it in cheese.
Metsola, Roberta. Current president of the Parliament.
Mickey Mouse bar. Bar on the third floor of the Parliament in Brussels. Named after the distinctive shape of its (now former) chairs. Definitely not because the Parliament is a Mickey Mouse institution.
MFF. If your best friend is also your mother. Also, the Multiannual Financial Framework (the EU’s long-term budget, which lasts for seven years).
NI. Non-attached MEPs. Some do have partners. Others hold such awful views that this is unlikely.
Nonpaper. A nonbinding document (almost always on actual paper).
OLAF. Annoying snowman in Disney’s “Frozen.” Anonymous chancellor of Germany. Also, the EU’s anti-fraud watchdog.
Ombudsman. EU watchdog. The outgoing holder of the role is Emily O’Reilly, so ombudswoman would be better.
Parlamentarium. Tourist attraction at which you can pretend to be an MEP (insert your own joke here).
Parties. See Groupings. Or maybe don’t, as the difference is very confusing.
PECH. Fisheries Committee. Flavor of ice tea. What Germans don’t want to have.
PEL. Party of the European Left.
PES. Party of European Socialists (see S&D; parties vs. groupings).
PETI. Petitions Committee.
Playbook, Brussels/Paris/Berlin/London. What you need to read in the morning to avoid looking dumb in front of your peers.
Plenary. Parliamentary session at which you are supposed to turn up.
Plenary bell. Rings to signal beginning/end of a sitting and upcoming votes. Like at the theater if the play was about copyright.
Plux(ing). See Luxembourg, Place du.
Quaestors. In Ancient Rome, quaestors investigated murders. The modern equivalent is responsible for administrative and financial matters.
Qatargate. Unfortunate episode in which several MEPs were alleged to have accepted money or gifts in exchange for doing the bidding of Qatar. Later it emerged that Morocco and Mauritania were also allegedly suspected of being behind cash-for-influence operations in the Parliament.
REGI. Regional Development Committee.
Renew Europe. Name for the alliance between Emmanuel Macron’s lot and what used to be called the Alliance of Liberals and Democrats for Europe.
Rules of procedure. How you’re supposed to behave. Not always followed (see Qatargate).
Russia. See China.
SANT. Subcommittee on Public Health.
S&D. Progressive Alliance of Socialists and Democrats (center left). The political grouping in the European Parliament of the PES (see PES).
Sakharov Prize. Annual human rights prize named after Russian physicist and activist Andrei Dmitrievich Sakharov.
Salary. €10,075.18 gross per month (plus general expenditure allowance, plus travel expenses, plus daily subsistence allowance …)
Secretariat. Coordinates legislative work and organizes plenary sittings and meetings (also a famous horse).
Szájer, József. The greatest MEP of all time. A Hungarian right-winger caught fleeing a gay orgy by crawling along a gutter carrying a backpack with drugs in it. This man needs his own statue.
Spitzenkandidat. German for “Oh no, do we have to go through this charade again?” — or “lead candidate.” System by which the lead candidate of the political family that gets the most votes in an EU election becomes European Commission president. That sound you can hear is EU country leaders laughing.
Standing committees. Regular committees (they do have chairs).
Strasbourg. Official seat of the Parliament. The actual capital of Europe/a total waste of everyone’s time and money (disregard that last bit depending on whether you are French).
Subsistence allowance. Daily cash.
Train. It takes ages to get to Strasbourg by train. A little like the Hogwarts Express, except with booze and no magic.
TRAN. Transport and Tourism Committee.
Trilogue. Not trialogue but try telling that to your spell-check. Three-way talks (Parliament, Council of the EU, Commission).
Vice presidents. There were 14 (yes, you read that right) of them in the last Parliament. That’s 13 too many.
von der Leyen, Ursula. Once appeared on the TV show Die aktuelle Schaubude (“The Current Show Booth”) singing with her family. Die Albrecht Familie starring Ursula also released a single in 1978 called Wohlauf in Gottes schöne Welt (“Well in God’s Beautiful World”). Also European Commission president.